Mothering is different today…
Birth is unrecognisable from how it was only two generations ago. Not only has the shift from home to hospital happened there are also shifts in how labour starts (in some NHS trusts only 1 in 3 labours will begin spontaneously) plus who is in the birth room has changed. Very few of our grandfathers would have been in the birth room. Yet almost all of us choose our partner to act as our support in birth now. Intervention rates are rising and the number of women who experience a traumatic birth are also rising.
Our recovery and postpartum period also look very different. We are living further away from our family than the previous generations and we are far, far busier. Our friends, sisters and mothers are working more than they would have been in earlier generations. So even if they are living close by they don’t have the same flexibility to pop in with some soup at lunchtime or call in during the day for cuppa and some cake.
Lots has been written on the erosion of our ‘village’. The village we need to be able to raise our children. The reason I’m saying it again here is because, at work, I hear women telling me that they feel ‘incompetent’, that they don’t know why they are finding it so hard. Essentially some version of ‘what is wrong with me’?
We are giving birth under such different circumstances to those who went before us and our recoveries are so very different too. There is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with the system. By system I mean our society and our culture.
Two big things. Firstly, we need to give birth supported by professionals and close friends and family who have lots of experience in physiological birth, who have the time to tend to you and your labour and give you the conditions that you need. We need continuity of care and support during that recovery phase. Secondly, while recovering we need a network of wise, warm women around you in those early weeks and months to make sure you get the recovery you need and the support to cope with this massive transition. Who really know you, who can tell if your mental health is struggling, who knows how to make you laugh, who you feel comfortable talking to about the complexity of how you are feeling and what is happening physically.
Our experience of early motherhood is a new one. Unlike the generations that went before us. We are experimenting with mothering without support, in an age of endless information but very limited time. We are turning to Google, Instagram and Facebook to fill a void where wise, warm, knowledgeable and caring women once stood.
So if it feels hard, like something isn’t quite right, that’s because it isn’t. It isn’t right for mothers to be so lonely and unsupported. We are getting that so very wrong.
Birth and early motherhood look very different to how they used to. It is likely that you haven’t received the support you need. The system needs to look different. For today, please, please, please remember the context in which you find yourself. Know that so many of us are struggling and that you aren’t alone in feeling this way.
So I guess reflecting on all this change, the invitation today is to be kinder and more compassionate to yourself. To notice all that you are doing under really difficult circumstances.
If you would like some support, you can explore Matrescence Coaching with me here.
